Reflections

The timing of this module has held some personal challenges which, naturally, have impacted upon recent themes and thought processes.  To make a video for the unmarked assignment was difficult as I was unwell, and I do feel, though it shows a lot of output for the last few months, it is not successful in conveying anything particularly concrete about where I may be headed.  I simply couldn’t think in those terms at that time. It was, however, still a very useful process; it allowed me to take stock of where I am at the present time even if I couldn’t quite look forward at the time of making.  It has made me realise how, photographically, I have kept very busy so far this module.  I have made all kinds of small projects,  impulsively and expressively.  I have seen this response as a problem previously in terms of following a course, and recent feedback reminds me that there is an expectation for me to focus in one direction or another. This is completely understandable, however, I know  that – for me – there is no other way of getting to the core. It is precisely this process which helps me  better understand myself and the processes of creativity within me – and my lengthy bond with the camera.  Perhaps, though, if I did not share everything I made, if I were to hold back some of this work, to the outside I would appear more focused.  I can do this of course, but it would not be truly reflective of me and naturally I wear my heart upon my sleeve.  I feel that the CRJ is a good place for me to do this.

In my undergraduate degree some years ago I had fixed term projects which I submitted, but there were all the other ‘personal’ projects going on underneath which were frustratingly hidden from view.  My project work was still very personal in nature, but I was concentrating on fulfilling a specific brief each time.  This course differs as it allows a complete openness of approach / theme which, to me, is a wondrous opportunity to create everything I feel driven to create, and to have somewhere to put it all. This course  also feeds different ideas each week through the learning materials, and these ideas will naturally have influence on my thoughts.  So, I come up with new ideas, then new ideas again, and then I want to ditch the previous ones.  Instead of ditching, I can put them all on the CRJ as a holding place while I continue with my experimentation.  I am aware that this, for me, is a process of finding out about myself, learning about the creative me.

The process, I feel, is working.  I am feeling like I am coming gradually nearer to the root of it, and a full year of photographic play has been needed for this to happen.  As random as I may seem to others, there are themes emerging as the water clears.  I feel my thoughts are streamlining and that a project idea is coming together.

I feel it has been essential for me to throw everything I have into the air just to see where it lands, and it has taken almost a year to do this.  I am fine with this, it is something that has needed time to unfold.